Isaiah 1:18

Happy New Year!
Yes, we are on the 2222 vibrations! Since we are beginning the year, it is only right to set my resolutions since the other year began, this same 2022 for you and none of that was put down for me.

I may do many things. I may end up doing nothing at all in the eyes of the productivity checkers. The main thing I want to accomplish is to stay away from business people. In 2021, I was forced to suffer in the hands of people with their businesses and I want to save myself the heartache.

Here are the whys:
The so-called designers

The internet is a crazy place. In the olden days, you chanced upon the works of people when you met them in the market, at a community event or in the rare chance that they happen to be your neighbour.

The tragedy of modern times is you see it all. From the person’s human hair shipped from another continent, the way the shade of their foundation sits on their faces like lovers should, the lippie in the exact red you have been searching for. Lashes with the ability to seduce men to forget their best sex. The figure-hugging dress outlining highlighting each crevice. And those heels, dang girl, I want an exact pair in nude! The look completed with complementary jewellery.

You ask. They tell you. Your hands become full with contacts; pages, numbers and prices. You are excited to splash the socials with photos from your success. Kuwakunywa bila kiu.

The designer who made the dress responds after weeks. She says something then leaves you dangling at her mercy. As the D-day is fast-coming, you approach a tailor instead, your insides already churning at the outcome. I don’t need to tell you how that went, it went as tailored.

There is a similar communication breakdown when you reach out to the one who made the earrings. You trust her with making you a neck-piece, you order two with all the specifications of colour and length and centre-pieces. When they arrive, there is a thank you for shopping with us note. You smile as you don the items.

A few days later, a friend points out that one of the centre-pieces is falling off. To your dismay, you note that it is hanging by a thread, literally! Who makes necklaces with thread? Uzi! I dismiss it as a mishap expecting the rest of the piece to stay on. One fateful day, the entirety of it fell from the hold of my neck. The other necklace all lonely, followed. I did not get to enjoy them for at least a month.

I tell the referee, “Hey, this your highly recommended (unprintables) basically stole from me!” I refuse to go to the business person directly because I expect to be sold quality. I let them discuss and get back to me. Instead of apologizing, they ask me, A STAY-AT-HOME at all costs BABY to get my ass in a matatu, be dropped in town to take the defect goods to them so that they can remake and send to the pick up point for me to leave the confines of my house again to take a matatu back and forth because of a mistake I didn’t make on my cost! Watiri!

If I dare write about the lady designer who made a fit for me that could two me’s when she took the measurements herself, refused to give me the pocket I requested for, I will end up cursing her again together with the referral because unless you are dead, whatever is happening in your life should be independent of your business. Kidole cha kati!

I was gifted one of these executive pens for my graduation. My name engraved on the length of it and they come in those cases resembling the expensive necklaces men shower their girlfriends and wives with in the movies. As the gifter is away, I gave the specifications to the designer if I could call him. His services referred and I was given the name-drop privilege to earn myself a discount. I took it, loving a good bargain.

I wanted my cartridge in blue. We discussed the length of time it takes to be ready. I pick it when notified. I am excited to begin my usage. The first few trials have me thinking the pen is shy to my touch. It refuses to get wet for my papers. Being seasoned in these matters, I do not rush the process. I enclose it to “give it time”.

A few more trials at our intimacy leave me frustrated. I want it and I want it now! Didn’t I pay dowry to have my ‘conjugal’ needs met? I have rights! I shake it. I trail it along harder surfaces to give it momentum. I rub it to arouse sensation, give it some luck like Aladdin with that lamp. Nothing gives. All I keep getting are false starts.

This time, I go head on to the let’s still call him a designer. He starts asking me questions on purchase, and asks me to drop the pen back in for replacement. Since I was headed to the CBD anyway, I reluctantly decide to pass there. The shop is closed when I arrive. I am fuming properly, smoke coming from my ears and all. I stand there to give Betty, ample time to come back because her contact is pasted on the door. I refuse to call for her to tell me, dakika moja nikam. Tempted to say their products are one-minutes as well but this is not a meme.

Many minutes pass and I call this man. I tell him, “Yho, listen, I am outside here and there is no one, I am sliding the damn pen under the door. THIS BETTER TAKE THE DAY YOU SAID IT WOULD!” Click and off I go to join the humans having better luck with their share of people in business.

Three days later, I am making the enquiry myself. All courtesy is no longer with me, I go straight to business, just how they like it I bet. The designer says the pen is ready for pickup only they put in a black cartridge because blue was not availa-ran out, some inkly shit I didn’t want to wrap my head around. I laugh. I said blue! Four letters! BLAU! Blue like the sky which oceans reflect. Blue like the eyes considered most beautiful in the world. BULUU!

He says it will take 4/5 weeks to get what I want. I highlighted his message and archived it. We shall revisit this late this month because WHAT THE BLUE FUCK!

There were the good parts where I got my soaps, my jewellery, my books but those are deeply buried in the throes of goodness. These people are likely to see heaven and its goodness. They will probably be lined up next to God, putting their clay-crafted lungs to good use. Melodious!

Of course I am not a multi-talented human with abilities to curate the items I need for my living. I may need to interact in a way or another with people and their products. The only mistake I won’t be making again is to listen to referrals. I will seek whatever I am in need of from the throes of the internet. When failure to deliver occurs, I will have the entrepreneur to blame, and perhaps a bit of myself for failure to see right through them!

Again, Happy New Year, especially you business people! (If you talk to me privately, I will give you all the names of these people.) May the God in heaven who has helped me maintain their anonymity in the very public eye, admit me to heaven.

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