“For which man willingly submits himself to death in order to see how well he us mourned?” ~Francis D.Imbuga, Shrine of Tears

This is not a suicide note/letter/entry. But hey, we didn’t learn probability in the 8-4-4 for nothing, no? Also, maybe you, reading this is from the IGCSE system, care to tell if y’all were taught probability?

Now that we have established the probable of probabilities, let’s continue.

I think about death sometimes. Not other people’s, of course when people die I go damn, what a loss after carefully putting them through the good people filter. I don’t spend every waking hour of my thoughts (thank God?) dwelling on the subject but it is a recurring thought. To be honest, a successful day in my books is where I have scheduled sometime to think of the end. For instance, the guy Muhammad (SAW) said the end is very near during his time. We are reigning supreme (literally wearing it as a brand if not worshipping) 1400+ years after. When is this trumpet-blowing really?

I imagine myself, not being lowered into the grave, the remains of a body which will be replaced by a new one in heaven. I imagine how they will find me. I will save them, the finders, the trouble of walking through each and every room trying to locate where the smell of my rotting body is ‘freshening’ the air from. I will be at the doorstep, all the dead weight deposited on my left side, head supported on the left arm while the right is awkwardly displaced as if broken. Nothing like the Sleeping Beauty pose, but a sleeping beauty all the same. Don’t you love a good fairytale?

Scenario two has me in bed. One of those old age classics of they slept and never woke up. All they would need to do is throw off the covers to reveal my face then shake their heads in dismay.

Were life a magic book, someone would simply wave a wand and I would proceed into the afterlife complete with my sleeping implements. No one would need to fundraise. No one would need to mourn. All would wait until they can come in when they their clocks tick out to have a worldly get-together.

Then there’s this other case. The one no one is usually open to hearing. They stop you in your tracks because they are thoughts they might have entertained too. And speaking is inviting to life. This is the one where I assist myself out of here. It doesn’t sound so bad when I put it that way, yeah? Assisted living = assisted leaving. Seems all the calculations of death are trying to make me a Math lover.

There are no rats here. But if one day, I ‘unknowingly’ use the famous powder as a spice in my food…

There is nothing to leave me hanging, limp body going round this way, that way and again after the tip of a stool. Oh wait, the shower!

Braveness being the only trait I lack, I would otherwise split the veins on my wrists open. Better yet, find the spot on my neck where bitings make humans go crazy. Look the glinting knife in the eye as I raise it high enough to create impact. When the conditions are right, plant it in. Get an orgasm before I go completely still. Maybe the blood will still be making that dramatic exit where it pulses out.

In the case that I am not home, I use the props around me independent of my contribution. While crossing a busy street, i action my death in the form of a passing car, I don’t know their makes meaning I don’t have a preference. What I am sure about is what will hit my body will not be a bus. Or those huge lorries transferring goods. I haven’t visualised such impact. Even in the beyond, I would like a gentle shove.

A clean water truck on the other hand would have an open welcome. Especially if another vehicle comes into contact and splash! The only work on the body awaiting burial remains shrouding. The real tragedy however, is if that sewer-sucking vehicle happens to be on the same road…

I don’t want to make it to the front pages but I hope to make it in the headlines. A little something to give the neighbours or pedestrians airtime.

Anyway God, I am looking for a presence to hold my hand(s) and get me out of my head before you know… I pray no one comes to tell me to accept your only son, Jesus Christ! as my personal Lord and saviour.

I feel lonely. I mean, alone.

3 Comments Add yours

  1. Joy Ruguru says:

    Yes, we IG(CSE) people learnt probability too. Though probably not in the same depth as you

    It’s healthy to think about death – because it’s inevitable. Whether we want it or not, it will happen. So why not experience human life while we can?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Aha, thank you for clarifying.

      Many think it’s a taboo in the sense that thinking is inviting it. We prepare for all life but never death yet it is part of it.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Joy Ruguru says:

        Exactly! It’s better for it to find us prepared

        Liked by 1 person

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