Not All Thrives

It has often been said that there are two sides of a coin. I believe that those two sides, the head and tail are the tamed parts. When tossed, we continually bet on the landing of either but never the third option.

The ignored part gears it to a third possibility, that of rolling away and disappearing. A certainty we never want to agree with. Do you want to lose a coin after investing time and energy to earn it? I don’t.

You could call us inseparable, back then. This is not to mean that we lingered in each others air 24 hours a day but when we met, we became glued. In embraces that intertwined our individual ribs.

We first met in a club that we had both subscribed to. A check in our boxes for we shared similar interests. One way or the other, we began talking, sending notes and all other sorts of communication the rest found corny.

She could draw and I had a pretty good handwriting. We sought the other’s comfort in times of difficulty and offered our shoulders when one of the pair was triggered to cleanse their eyes.

By the looks of disapproval we received (read jealousy), you can conclude it was a relationship made in paradise. The garden of Eden stage, Eve and Adam type. Until the serpent infiltrated and fed her from the forbidden fruit.

People read more into our exchanges. The chocolates, the thoughtful cards and what-nots. A lesbo thing was with no doubt going on between us. We knew being soulmates is not gender based, we did not shout about it.

It started with small signs. First, the pendant attached to the necklace she gifted me, fell off. I remember the day I found it. I was carrying on my own businesses when I saw it within my possessions.

Black with a gold-coloured pendant with a letter representing a universal emotion.

There was no note. My first thought wasn’t of her. I decided it was from someone else until days later. She finally queried if I had received what she left me. I got it, I informed her. A tight hug followed the revelation.

I kept the pendant. Our conversation levels slowly dropped. It was the mornings, missing a goodnight reply and ultimately getting a reply 48 hours after if not more. You know how that feels, don’t you?

That pattern progressed to a point we totally forgot the existence of the other. In this case, friend ghosting was very necessary. On my part at least.

On one of her social media accounts, she posted that she had lost a parent. Oh no, that cannot happen to her! It will leave her devastated, broken. I put all the hurt of her abandonment aside and sought her.

It’s okay. I will be fine don’t worry babe, she responded. Strength, a very important factor to possess in such hardship, a time of trial. A new wave washed over us but it was weak, I couldn’t feel its power.

I don’t how we stopped talking, she mentioned at some point. I wanted to break it down and outline at every step exactly how it happened. I decided there was no gain in pointing her wrongs. I let her back into my life.

A weather of calmness settled over fragments of our old friendship. Little did I know, she was taking a break from her pals who she occasionally bitched then ditched for a while before coupling up for Tuesday pizzas.

I couldn’t blame her. It was a game only those in the field knew how to maneuver around tactically.

I was a temporary comfort. We both knew I would welcome her with open arms and let her reign in the constancy I provided. She loved that fact and I loved that she loved the safety I so graciously granted her.

The grace period soon terminated. She left without notice once more back to the jungle of the lifestyle I did not profess with her. It was over and I erased all forms of contact with her. Except the necklace…

It had so much become part of me that I couldn’t bear the thought of being without it. Not for a minute. Three years on, it was around my neck choking me, convincing myself it was a symbol of what was.

Fate had other plans. As I was walking early this year, it released itself. I only noticed little black beads covering my path. I touched my neck to confirm my suspicion. The finality to holding on what couldn’t be.

As the fish struggles to get back into the water, she flipped vigorously in my hands. She earned her freedom and I watched as her tail submerged in the body that ‘gives’ her life. The one she craves.

I’m saying no to your perfunctory relationship. Goodbye toxic friend. The three sides of a coin.

 

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