How I feel exactly


Shortest post ever! I probably shouldn’t have posted this and maybe kept it as my journal. Life is all about risks and I label this one for me. I’m kind of unmotivated though I had it all laid out. I feel really bad coz I know there is someone anxiously waiting for my post out there and I don’t write for days and when I do, I write horribly. It’s not my wish though and I’m sorry. I’m recollecting myself. Hope I come back alive soon. It’s breaking my heart.. 

Bill Gates is in the same country as I am! Wait, same city! Even better. We are in the former capital city of Tanganyika, now Tanzania, before it was transferred to Dodoma. He is meeting with President J. Mapombe Magufuli. The law of success says, associate self with successful people and you will be successful. If this is associating then I’m high up my bar. Siku ya Wakulima was celebrated while Kenyans were lining up to cast their votes. Neighbours.
I can’t decide what exactly happened but I’m beginning to think I’m losing it. Forgetfulness maybe. Tomorrow will be Friday, my daughter told me. How? I tried recalling which day the previous day was and I couldn’t. The retrieval button in my brain is loose. A few screws need to be tightened.
My family is huge. My immediate family not so. It was only last year that I found out that a woman I’ve always referred to as my aunt is actually my sister. Confusing right? Ni mambo ya ukoo. This way I have a daughter, very close age bracket. She has refused to look up to me as her mother. She’s stuck up on me being her cousin. She is still in the denial phase. I have lurched forward to carry out my responsibilities as mama mdogo.
There are two newborns in the family, making it even bigger. It’s not a twin😂😂.One, I’m the mother to and the other an aunt. Baby L, my son and baby I, my nephew. They are our little angels, they are so tiny and cute. Adorable. I’m baby struck. Naturally, more time should be spent with my baby, not from my womb but close enough. That’s how me and my daughter are camping at my sister’s.
Baby L underwent the cut yesterday. He is about 3 months old, he is the elder of the new boys in the blood line. I was disappointed at first because I thought it was already performed. He cried a lot. He should have had this experience at 7 days old. He would have healed by now. That’s the sunnah. The beauty of Islam is that it gives you the best options even in social life. He was in so much pain you just wanted to cry yourself (I’m welling up already).
I have never seen a circumcised boy. Let me rephrase, I have never seen it that raw. I’ve seen a lot of boys but not after the cut or is it scrapping off? Till now I’m trying to understand the rubber that I was told will come out itself. I can’t unsee what I’ve seen from my son’s body. There was some blood even later in the evening, it gives me shivers everytime I look at it. It’s so red and weird looking. Maybe this is trauma.
Overwhelmed by today’s activities, I lay here in bed. Tired. Second shower of the day taken. It’s hot here, a shower is all you do to freshen up. Drinking cold water isn’t as helpful. It’s unhealthy anyway. My daughter was having her share of painful cramps and I was on duty. My feet hurt. I’m bored and I know this piece sounds bored too. Life..
I might be experiencing Writers Block, or my mind is lazying up.
I’m sorry for disappointing y’all 😢😢


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